Twenty nineteen was the year of the unexpected for me. Baloo joined me in Devon with about three weeks notice and that was a fantastic surprise. But also I’ve had my struggles, a close relative was diagnosed with cancer and that was awful. Thankfully, it seems like they caught it in time and they will be ok. It was a huge shock for our family and the timing wasn’t brilliant. My younger brother had his exams and it was stressful to have the process for him. He is at uni now and I couldn’t be more proud of him. Also, we went to London for Baloo to show me where he grew up and to introduce me to his friends. It was worth it to see his world instead of ours in Devon.

I’ve not felt it was my place to share some of the struggles our family have had. I will always guard my family’s privacy as they didn’t sign up to the life I now lead with Seeing Me In Reality, no ifs, no buts. But it has affected me and how I’ve lived over the months. It was a wake-up call. I needed to stop doing the same things that weren’t working for me. I needed to reassess what was best for me.

I can’t say it’s been easy, I’ve gained weight, added wrinkles to my face and not slept a whole bunch. I have put on hold a lot of my plans some of which include picnics with Baloo. But this year has taught me so much. I have transferred to some private sessions for my mental health as the NHS couldn’t provide what I felt I needed to help me progress with ME/CFS and my life.

The future is truly daunting and the next few years hold a certain amount of change as far as we can see. Change isn’t bad but it can lead to more work and added worries. I know that in your twenties life changes rapidly and that’s part of life. I just have added worries to think of. Doctors and choices I make about my health every day.

I have made big changes to my medical help which I did not take lightly. We are hoping in the coming year to add more to this change and iron out the wrinkles that appear. It’s all very recent so I hope by this time next year I will have it settled. But I know from experience, sloths work in all systems so it’s not a quick fix.

Baloo and I have some very exciting trips coming up in the New Year and we’ve probably made too many plans so a scale back will happen I’m sure. Baloo has a big birthday this year so we have some fun planned.

I feel like I am in a very transient stage in time and the unknown always has an element of fear included. I know I have Baloo and my family and we will figure it out along the way. But everything feels like it’s on quicksand. Prone to subsidence and being unsettled. Easily swollowed whole and without a trace.

I also need to say I feel like this has been my worst blog year I have had. I love my blog but I have had to drop the ball whilst life pushed to centre stage. Whilst I know that was the right thing to do it has upset my balance of blogging and now I feel like I am constantly playing catch up. If I have gotten through Christmas it will be ok. I will get back into the swing of things by switching it up a little and trying new content for you.

2019 has truly tested me and I can’t say the process was fun but I gained more resilience and I have tried to create better methods for me. It’s given me a better perspective on numerous things and reminded me that I need to carve out space for me that isn’t just tending to my illness. I need to look after myself and give myself time to breathe. I want that to be something I get better at in the coming year.

In a way this year has reminded me of old battles with my illness. The constant balancing act of trying to cope with day to day life with a chronic illness. It has reminded me that my hopes for the future could just be hopes. I think it is natural that by certain stages you would be able to say I’m hoping this will have changed. It might allow X to be possible. I always find it funny to get to the age or point in time that you hope something will have changed by then and it hasn’t. I might not be able to do what I love or what I have dreamt of.

But my life has been so unexpected in some of the most joyful ways. I can’t expect to know where I will be my New Years Eve 2020 but I know it will be one heck of an adventure. As they say in Chicken Run “The exits are located here and here. In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees and kiss your bum goodbye!”