Do you ever panic that you aren’t doing enough with your life? Every September when school starts again I get overwhelmed with the feeling I’m not doing enough and I’m wasting time. When I first came out of education I was taking a gap year to see if I could recover enough to do an online style degree. That was several years ago. In the UK degrees cost so much money that I refuse to do it when I know I will barely pass each module. It’s not worth it for me to commit every ounce of energy just to scrape through. I would not be able to have the energy to do anything else but eat, sleep and study.
I then feel enormously guilty for my situation and feel like time is running out. Years go by so fast and I have been ill for about a decade give or take. I have to remind myself it’s not really about choice. I could choose to have no quality of life and put my already fragile health under more stress and possibly get a degree, but that’s not a given.
Or I can focus on making the most out of every day. If that means writing a blog post or ending up in bed all day, I make each day count. It doesn’t stop the panic but I know I’m putting my health before ambition and social norms are vital. Most of my school year have graduated university now. I have to remember it’s not about what I want to do it’s about different paths. Different situations and different people.
Life is short and goes by so fast. I knew this from a young age which is a blessing in disguise. I learnt to never take life for granted and to appreciate each day even if I feel horrendous something usually makes me smile. No day is wasted and the lessons learnt along the way last a lifetime. I guess my message is the battles we face each unique to each individual shouldn’t discourage you from trying to make the most of your situation. Be disheartened allow yourself to feel rather than shoving it into a box and trying to forget about it. Sometimes I have no clue how to resolve what is in front of me but I know that I deal with it and learn from it.
Don’t let the panic of your future or the drive within you to make you feel like you missed out and didn’t measure up because the lessons you learnt are normally before your time. You may get to do the most extraordinary things that without your illness wouldn’t be possible. We never know what is around the corner.
“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”- Seneca