Faith (Oxford Dictionaries)
NOUN
mass noun
1-Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

I am keeping this about having faith in times of fear. Interpret that how you wish but my meaning of faith is to trust that even in the worst situations, there is always hope and trusting that it will work out eventually or improve in some other way.

Recently I had a despairing moment when I felt slapped with a meeting that went south. As in pretty south that bad south. I don’t want to paint myself as a despairing, wailing, weakling but sometimes the unexpected can feel like you’ve been submerged in icy water. A shock to the system, you can’t breathe properly. I don’t really know what my next step is but I have to maintain even when it feels like there are no other options somehow it will be ok. I’ve been ill for nearly a decade and there have been countless times that there has been a bulletproof brick barricade in front of me that I couldn’t get around. Sometimes that’s the end and you can’t change it but the struggle gave me valuable knowledge which helped me to get over another brick wall.

Sometimes you feel like that your hands are tied and life won’t ever be the same, be that if your medical team are not able to help. Or if you can’t continue something you love or school that would allow you to progress. It can feel like you are walking a tightrope over a dark abyss.

I don’t know how sometimes it will resolve it’s self but I have to hold on to the faith that it will be ok somehow. I don’t have all the answers and when your life and how you deal with your illness is all questioned and critiqued. I know that I am a strong self-reliant person yet, to some I am not worth the investment. Trying to be a doctor, a physio on top of the ill person is a big ask. We know that from the second we are diagnosed and understand the big picture.

I know that a complex illness like M.E/CFS must be a challenge as try as they might they don’t know how it happens, they don’t know how it manifests they don’t know how to treat it. Every time I’m wheeled into their offices they don’t know what to do to help me as their options are limited. This applies to everyone whose job it is to help me at this time, I’m a complicated case that doesn’t fit easily into a box.

I hate it when this illness dictates my life and sometimes the world feels cruel. I hate putting my family in this predicament time after time after time. It can be so overwhelming when you feel like you are all on your own. Yet, after a decade of this condition, I still feel like a newbie just trying to walk through frozen treacle.

For my sanity and positivity, I need to believe that through all of this there are lessons and life skills to be learnt and it will be ok in the end. It has to be okay because I will fight until it is. It is very easy to be sucked into the dark despair of it all and I don’t want to be there forever. I visit it from time to time but I want to have light in my life too. I don’t want to waste my life, I want to create memories and try to be happy, even when its hard to. There is so much I can’t do that I want to make the most of what I can do.

For my sanity and for the people around me I need to have faith over fear.

Side note, I’m completely fine but I just wanted to write about this as I felt like this. I’m perfectly fine now 😊