I wrote a blog post once about how dark it can get in between sunset and dawn and how lonely it can be, the worries of your world become loud and with no distractions, you give them your full attention. I didn’t publish it because it well, seemed dark. I might need to add I have had a rare insomniac night. I woke up at 2 AM and that was all the sleep I could grab. I stayed in bed until just after 5 AM and decided to get on with my day. I crept out of my room trying not to disturb anyone peacefully asleep and came into the kitchen to see the watercolour sky as the sun made its big entrance.
I was annoyed I couldn’t sleep but the peace of that moment of just looking at the sky warmed and the light filtered through reminded me that sometimes early morning is a rarely seen thing, unless you are an early bird. Mainly parents, insomniacs, shift workers or people going to the airport see the first promise of the light of a new day.
It made me feel renewed in life and the promise of a new day, I know I talk about new days a lot but there is something to be said for the peace of knowing there is a fresh start that’s only a sleep away or a sunrise away, depending on your sleep pattern. You get to hope that maybe today will be better than yesterday was and that you might reach that aim or complete what you wanted to. For sure this isn’t the case all the time and sometimes you just want to put your head under the duvet (which I do sometimes) and pretend that the day is over before it has begun.
Attitude, when you are unwell for many years, does come into play. If you assume because of pain or other symptoms that each day is going to be rubbish then it might just turn out that way. I want to stress that of course I many many times have felt disgusting and will continue to have bad days. I don’t let go of life and I don’t let go of realistic hope either. I’m not praying for a miracle here but I think often tomorrow is a new day and if I laugh or Baloo makes me smile then it can’t have been a bad day. I might still feel awful but it might become a lasting memory.
We all have our ways of dealing with life and life with a chronic illness, my way is, to be honest and realistic with both the good, the bad and the ugly I encounter. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hope for the goofy times or the good times it just means my expectations aren’t massively high so everything is a bonus.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up”. -Anne Lamott