Frustration. There are two meanings to this word according to Oxford Dictionaries. “The feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change something” and “The prevention of progress, success, or fulfilment of something.” At this point in time, both of those interpretations of the meaning of the word frustration apply to me. I’m trying to heed my own advice and be kinder to myself but today is one of those days where you aren’t ok with your corner of the world. I know life could be so much worse and I’m grateful for what I have but I’m struggling. I’m struggling.

I have had a really rough spot in my health recently and I’ve had to be far more cautious and can’t seem to get back on my feet before something else comes along. I need to go back to the basics, get some help and advice from the good Docs that look after me. I’m trying to get that ball moving and it’s a slow process even to just see them. That is just the reality of where I am. I don’t want to create this blog post to be an online negative rant but I want to be honest with you all. I have fears that follow me all the time, fears of relapse, getting worse, missing vital events in family life. I fear becoming a spaced out ghost of my former self. I worry about additional illness and how that affects me.

I struggle like any other with a chronic illness. My life is housebound I haven’t washed my hair myself in such a long time I can’t remember. It could be over 6 years or more? I am frustrated to not be in control of my world. I am frustrated that life can feel so cruel and half of it isn’t in my control. I feel like I’ve been stuck on pause whilst I watch everyone else get the degrees I wanted, the cars that I can’t drive and get their own house. Every single one of those things is so far away from where I am, I can’t even contemplate it. Oh and the simple pleasures of walking, cooking, spontaneity. We all know that life isn’t easy but to quote the great Coldplay “nobody said it would be this hard.”

I’m going to do a 180 on you all now. I was watching a video of Will Smith talking about how we all have responsibilities. His example was that if you had a rough childhood it wasn’t your fault but it is your responsibility to make the changes to be the success out of a bad situation. In my mind, I thought about my own life. It wasn’t my fault that I got so ill so young, for so long but it is my responsibility to make the best of what I have. In so many ways, people would feel pity or pathos towards my situation and me. I would agree with them on a superficial level. BUT, I know that I have found such joy from things I might not have discovered had I not been ill. I have found such wonderful people along the way, found love that I probably wouldn’t have made time for. With the help of those fine points, my responsibility to myself to make the best of my life seems more achievable. I am not trying to take away from the struggle but show that even in the darkness there is light.

I’m struggling but I’m not without hope.

I never wanted someone to have these thoughts silently and think they were selfish or there are far more bad situations to be in. Yes, that is true but don’t discredit your struggle or your responsibility to make the most of it. I’d love to hear your thoughts, what do you think?