Having this blog is a strange concept. I sometimes feel like I’m talking to the universe and others it’s a quiet conversation between us then other times it feels like a meaningful exchange with friends. I know there are people reading from various countries and different backgrounds. This brings me comfort yet sadness, I wish the reason we have things in common wasn’t a shared illness. Whether you read this as a fellow warrior fighting a Chronic Illness or someone knowing an affected warrior, you know suffering.
I wish I had the answers, you know? I’m just trying to make sense of this all myself, I have been ill for 9 whole years. Yet, sometimes I feel incapable of knowing the right moves, choices and getting back up again. I never plan these blog posts, I may have a rough idea and a list somewhere of what I want to cover, but I sit with my laptop and start with the first sentence. Sometimes it takes me by surprise when I end up talking about the deep and personal. But if I feel like that, what’s not to say someone else knows that feeling and stays silent, just like I can?
Today I just feel like a human with faults, with nothing together and no answers to anything. I’m having one of those days where I just feel unhelpfully helpless. Why I am sat writing to you all about this, I don’t know. I want to share that even though I might appear to be sorted I’m not. I have days when life seems so complex, life keeps going, and I feel like nothing has changed. My boyfriend Baloo is good at just telling me that life goes on but it’s constantly changing, I just need the answers for today and we can worry about the big picture tomorrow.
We all have moments of total loss where the puzzle of life is overwhelming. This is the same regardless of illness or disability. The good thing for me is that this doesn’t last long I wake up the next morning and try to take hold again.
It’s almost comical that we fight an invisible, relatively unknown force inside our bodies when you think about it. Sometimes that invisible force wins, okay it’s more like nine out of ten times. But even if it limits me at every moment in life, I can choose to try and not let it get to me if I can help it. Life is full of unexpected joys and troubles, we may not have it all together, but without the bad, the good wouldn’t be half as treasured.
The puzzle of life is constantly attempted to be understood, by scientists, religions and plain humans with theories. For as much knowledge we now know there are a million unanswered questions. Scientific theories can be proven wrong and the research starts all over again. I think about this compared to my small corner of the world and the dilemmas I face. The choices I make may be correct for the present but might have to be revised in the future. Having days when you just have the stuffing knocked out of you and the weight of living limitedly is crushing, I think that’s normal and healthy.
The better side to this is having the days when you are grateful for the hard lessons you have learnt and you have a day when your normal isn’t abnormal. To be clear here, I’m not talking about health improvements, but the days when your normal is your normal and you still have fun.
We all have days when being one of the nine billion on this planet feels like just like that and that the lack of direction or confidence in our future is an ever-nagging presence. Part of that is simply human nature with the weight of a condition on top of that. I don’t have my act together by any means but I guess that’s what your twenties are for traditionally. So as imperfect as I feel I’m not going to edit this and just leave it with the imperfect ending. Share your thoughts on this subject I’d love to hear from you.